Fine, I’ll Procrastinate After This One.

It is hard to tell people what I do on my days off. I spend all week dreaming about all the writing and reading I am going to get done over the weekend, blaming the lack of production during the week on work. If only I had a whole the day, I could finish writing my book, take a five mile run, masturbate twice, and finish Infinite Jest. Then when the weekend comes, none of those things happen. Except the masturbation. Continue reading “Fine, I’ll Procrastinate After This One.”


That Point in Your Life When You Wonder If You Wiped Thoroughly, But Don’t Care

It is tax season, right? Or is in a month? April something or other. Haven’t really thought about it much until I saw a man dressed like the Statue of Liberty (with his face painted green) and twirling an arrow sign that read Liberty Taxes. Haven’t seen one of those fuckers in a while. Usually they are trying to sell pizza, wash your car, or “accidentally” lose their sign. It was twenty-six degrees out, and I could see his exhaled oxygen streaming out of his mouth like a smoke stack. I wanted to desperately know this person — ask him a hundred questions about his life, starting with his lonely childhood, awkward teen years, and even awkward twenties and thirties because he still was a virgin. All leading up to how the fuck he is on the sidewalk spinning a sign, dressed up like Lady Liberty, and working for less then ten dollars an hour in the middle of winter. But I did not stop my car. I did not ask him the story of his life. Instead, I went to drink beer in my friend’s hot tub like any other  goddamn decent American. Now, I realize I might have made the greatest mistake of my life.  Continue reading “That Point in Your Life When You Wonder If You Wiped Thoroughly, But Don’t Care”