Your Insecure Wednesday Evening

Dear You,

I don’t know if your self-esteem was ever low enough to get onto multiple dating sites, but mine sure was for a while. I’m told it is different in cities, such as Grand Rapids or Cleveland. More variety. Less cringing. But in middle Michigan, it feels like a bad night out at the bar. Now, I am not judging the people that are on dating sites. Neither their looks or personality are at fault for me not swiping right. Well, mainly the looks because that is what those sites or apps are about. Sure there are profiles, but after you have been on those sites for long enough (which is a half hour), you begin to question what you are truly looking for and whom you are looking for. Are you really looking for a relationship like your profile says or are you just ultimately trying to bang? Because it doesn’t go both way. In your head you could tell yourself that you want to see where it goes, but deep down you know those chicks that say their “second language is sarcasm” (harn, harn) are not going to fit into your relationship criteria. But they will fit into your it’s-late-I’m-drunk-she’s-pretty-hot-and-after-another-shot-I’ll-be-brave-enough-to-ask-her-back-to-my-apartment criteria. So, your thumb eventually develops cramps from flicking your screen left in a mindless act while watching the new season of Survivor. Because after you match, then you can make a real decision; you’ll be sober and of sound mind.

For women, I hear it is much different. They are more selective, and get hundreds of messages a day. They don’t need to spend any time looking for a man that wants them because every single man on the internet has sent them a terrible line about their musical interests that they read about on your profile. Or they just say “hey”, as if their looks is enough to make every girl dripping wet.

I don’t think it is a fun environment for anyone. We are attempting to put our best selves out to the world, which is extremely brave considering it is probably a last resort for meeting people. And that can be for many reasons. E.g., you don’t drink; you work third shift; your too shy in public; or you twitch like a crack addict when you’re nervous. We understand. For the men that don’t look like Johnny Deep, it is an endless stream of rejection. For woman, it is an endless stream of Mr. Wrongs. You sulk back into your couch cushion, hit Next Episode on Netflix, and truly contemplate if this is all the world has to offer.

I will always say there is someone for everyone because I always strive to be positive. Statistically it it almost impossible not to be able to find love somewhere. It is out there. I promise you. But love is not finding the perfect person. Perfect does not exist. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Perfect does not exist. But that is what makes humans so great. If you found a person that agreed with everything you said and liked the exact same things you do, that would be a boring fucking relationship. Yes, you want your partner to like doing a lot of similar things that you do. But having someone different in your life helps you grow, helps you learn, helps you realize how wonderful the world is because as a group we are so damn different but find a way to fit together like a fucked up jigsaw puzzle. That’s the person you are looking for. The one that inspires you. And the one that loves you when you are taking a monster machine gun shit after an all-day bender with your friends.

 She or he or it may be lingering on the internet somewhere. Or you may already be friends. Or they may kick you in the shin one day on the street. The point is: stop worrying so damn much about finding that person. (Of course I’m talking to myself here.) Be patient. That person will come along eventually. Hopefully they will enjoy how fucked up you are.

Criteria of Future Mate #4

She must be able to lick her elbow while patting her head and hula-hooping with a metal fire ring. And can make toast.

Note: This blog is made with three types of cheese. 


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